I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
