Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
