Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
