I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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