how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
