so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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