We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
