fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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