You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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