my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
