I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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