She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
