I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
