I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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