i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
