I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
