I just gift wrapped bread.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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