Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
