I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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