Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
