i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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