I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
