I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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