I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
