JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
