I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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