it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
