Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
