I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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