Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
