i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
