I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
