Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
