Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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