i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
