my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
honey bunches of taint.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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