He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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