Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
