i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is my gift to your gina
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
