When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
last night I used snow as a chaser
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
