This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
