Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
