my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
