Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
