if only i could text you this smell
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
