my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
