He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize