I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
