Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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