Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
