Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize