Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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