trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
