I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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