i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
