Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
