whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
