if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
