I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
