I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
